There’s a part of me that is afraid of what comes after I lose weight and get healthier.
I know how strange that is for me to admit to all of you.
I hope to share from my heart today why I feel led to write about fear – - and how it relates to becoming F.I.T. by Faith.
Faith would seem to be the opposite of fear – - – and fear shouldn’t be something that we as Christians struggle with, right? I know that on a spiritual level through Christ I have the victory over fear – - -
but sometimes I know that fear’s head comes to life in front of me and I feel a chill down my spine before I can pray a prayer for deliverance.
It happens in a split second - I feel the fear and then it’s gone. I am able to breathe calmly again and offer my thanks to God for His Presence in that moment.
Today, I pray that in sharing how I struggle with fear in regards to losing weight and gaining better health, those of you who can relate to me can feel that you are not alone – and – that together, we can look to the LORD for our deliverance and healing.
There was a time in my life when I didn’t struggle with my weight - although my weight was 25 pounds higher than my “ideal weight on a chart” – - – I was shapely but in shape; I wasn’t defined or looked at as one who had a weight problem. (Of course, I did think I was bigger than most other girls my age, but I wasn’t trying to lose weight at the time.)
As a young woman in high school, I attracted male attention – from older men. I remember feeling so uncomfortable about the attention my body was receiving and not knowing what to do about it. To cope, I wanted to be invisible and blend in. I didn’t know how to handle that feeling of being so vulnerable. When I was 18, I went through an experience where my body was violated by someone who loved me. I felt like my body had attracted the wrong kind of attention and I was left wondering how to handle the emotions that came as a result of that trauma.
Over time, my weight started going up. Like a blanket of protection or a heavy coat that made me invisible to sexualized attention, those extra pounds that piled on allowed me to shrink back into the shadows - excess weight could deflect the unwanted comments and penetrating eyes that had made me feel like an object to be desired by others.
I could pretend that I was safe.
Over the past 20 years, the LORD has lovingly and patiently brought me healing and wholeness through Him in so many areas of my life. As I have chosen to trust Him and have opened my heart to His love, He has restored my ability to trust, be vulnerable, and see how He is making all things new in His time.
I am loved and cherished by my husband Randy – such a gift he is to me..
I have three miracle children that I home-school and am raising to be His kids.
I have been called to be God’s woman of Grace in this special time and place.
Everything I have is from His hand – and is more than I could ever deserve.
But – I am still struggling with this hidden fear in my life: if I weigh (X) many pounds, I will become “attractive again” – people will notice my body - I will get attention again…. and I don’t want that.
I really don’t.
I don’t want to feel vulnerable in that way ever again
I don’t want to be looked over and lusted after.
I don’t want to be objectified.
I want to be invisible sexually to all but my husband.
In choosing to continue to wrap myself in layers of fat for the rest of my unhealthy life, I can protect myself from being used in that way again – - or, so I unconsciously tell myself.
In taking the power to control my safety apart from God, I am in sin. I know I am. I am not proud to admit this to you, but God told me this week that enough was enough.
He’s calling me to be a woman walking in victory over fear in this area.
He’s wanting me to shed my body of the unhealthy – even this excess weight – and trust Him to be my protection.
I will not be perfect, but I can through my imperfection and struggles show my fellow-women, that God has a plan and that there is HEALING to be found after trauma and hurt – of any kind.
We don’t have to live in shame or hide from living the Victorious life IN HIM that He has for us – - -
In choosing to push through the pain through praise, the LORD will perfect that which concerns me – - -
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever—forsake not the works of Your own hands.
To God be the GLORY!
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