I am honored by the response to last week’s post where I shared a little bit more about me personally and the details of some of my struggles that I face each day in my body.
That was hard for me to do.
Although this may seem silly to admit, I find it strange to talk about myself and I find it almost painful to admit my imperfections. (Hard to type that confession out.)
I am learning, however, that God wants me to be completely transparent; I need to learn how to share from my heart with both discretion but honesty. To open up my heart to show how He is working in my life and transforming me from the inside out.
To share of my weaknesses, yes, but to remember to point you to the One who is the Source of my Strength.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – but my Hope is in the LORD.
This week, it was the best of times and also the worst of times. (My apologies to Dickens.) In revealing that I struggled with fear and sharing how food has grown into something that had a hold on my life here on the Blog earlier this week, it seems like the enemy knew right where to focus his attacks on me this week.
You guessed it: by causing fear and making me feeling enslaved to my cravings for my “no-no” foods.
I spent three days on the front lines of the battle – going from one extreme to the other. One minute I was calm and praying and then the next I was literally feeding the fear in my heart by bingeing on no-nos.
Bingeing. That’s not a word I have used to describe my eating habits before. It represented someone out of control, driven by the forces at work to bring destruction to their body, soul, and spirit.
I never lost control. I had myself under control, thank you very much.
One day this week – ok, on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday – I started to tune in to what I was doing to myself. It was if God allowed me to observe myself. Listen to myself. To gain clarity and see myself fretting, pacing, and then bingeing. It happened over and over and over.
It happened at my mom’s house (a place where I face stress and temptation) and then at my house. I was eating when I was tired, bored, stressed, happy, and when the food was assaulting my senses.
If I wanted it, I ate it. It was if I had no self-control. I got to the point that I was literally getting sick from letting myself express myself when it came to food. And, I didn’t care to hide my indiscretions from my kids, my mom, and my husband. (They know what I can’t eat due to allergies. And they remind me, when needed.)
Each bite I took, each gluten-filled, cheese-laden, soy-frosted concoction of awful food that I desired so much, mocked me.
Each bite reminded me of my weaknesses.
Of my shortcomings.
Of how I was letting my family down.
How I was poisoning myself.
How I was disobeying God.
On Wednesday, I ended up really ill. Off the charts ill. I was sweating, vomiting, had a headache, and couldn’t-move-from-my-bed sick. I was dizzy and had spots before my eyes and pre-migraine auras keeping me from getting up and doing anything. For lunch that day, prior to getting ill, I had eaten a sample of everything that was from a category of foods “forbidden” to me.
They not only made me sick physically, but I was knocked flat on my back, humbled at the way that God had protected me from a terrible, dangerous allergic reaction because of my foolishness.
I was heartbroken when I was forced to be face-to-face with my sin.
It was sin that made me rebel against the guidelines I know to follow to feel my best.
I ignored them.
It was a sin to act like I don’t have temptations and that I always resist them.
My sin has been hidden behind the flimsy façade of my perfectionism.
In facing this reality this week, I have been able to see how God brought me to the realization that I am responsible to do better because I know better…
and that He has equipped me to rely on His strength to make it each day, living in surrender to His best for me in choosing the better way of eating and living that my body needs.
The last few days – - – I have faced temptation again – - – and I have been reminded of my need for the LORD to choose the better path
the less-traveled path,
but the path He has chosen for me.
The Path where He is walking and leading me; His footsteps showing the way.
And I have been able to choose the better path. One choice at a time. Through Him alone.
I know what to do now.
I just have to decide to be faithful and rely on Him and Him alone.
I need to embrace self-discipline and accountability.
I need to feed on His Word more and more.
There are going to be days when I stumble – - but I can get up by keeping my eyes on Him, not on me.
I am getting up again this weekend. I plan to be successful: keep good foods at hand, track my foods, and be honest when I am struggling.
Progress, not Perfection.
Rest for my Soul in the Yoke of Learning with my Savior.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
- – - Matthew 11:28-30
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To God be the GLORY!
P.S. Would you be interested in a Study, hosted by Unwrapping His Grace, where we discover God’s ways for us in this area? If so, please leave a comment. Thank you!